Morning reflection or overthinking
I woke up with my body warm and face cold. I lay longer until hearing the sound of the flickering of gas outside. Time to get up. It was 8am. I put together the sleeping bag and mat and threaded out of the tent.
“Morning!” I said to Mathieu.
He slowly turned to me and forced a smile.
I went to check the food bag I hang up on the tree last night. It was gone.
I took a turn to the other side of the tree and found the food spreading on the ground. The bread, cheese, ham, and eggs were no where to be found, leaving only the paper wraps. I picked up the remaining of the food and walked to Mathieu. “Mice ate my food last night.”
Again a forced smile. No response. I tried to raise a few more conversations. But he just looked at me, with his index finger pointing his mouth. I didn’t know what was going on. I suddenly questioned if there was something wrong with me that annoyed people. Then I let the thought go.
After the breakfast, Mathieu started separating the food we bought together.
I just watched him doing it. I didn’t really care anymore.
“Do you want to go by yourself or go back?” I asked softly. To be honest, at this point, I just wanted to be away from this person.
He said something that I could barely hear. I did not want to stay with the person for the rest of the days. But again, I didn’t say that, instead, I said to him, “I’m still down to do together if you want it too.”
So he still waited me to start the trek, but kept at least 10 foot away behind me. I felt really uncomfortable and confused. Then I started questioning myself, the pattern about myself.
When I felt uncomfortable with a person, when I realized we were so different, I never said no. I always waited, tried harder to please the person and hoped maybe things would change for better. I started thinking about my ex. There were moments I felt it was not working, but I never said no. I forced myself to see the good parts, and ignored the parts that made us feel uncomfortable. Until the end, he left. Now I questioned myself, if I was the one who was being dishonest because my own lacking, of courages to reject. What I can I do differently for life now?
I shut off my thoughts and told myself to stop overthinking.
Zipline crossing and an easy goodbye
It was a short hike until we got to the first river crossing zipline. The zipline was shorter than I expected, but hanging high above in between two rocked hills. The river was running fast and fury under. I felt the tension in my body. As much as I wanted to avoid the crossing, I knew I needed to do it, sooner or later. A few group of people were already staying in line, watching, but no one seemed ready to cross.
I decided to check the river, hoping there was a chance to cross on foot. But Mathieu finally came speaking to me.
“You could do it. But the water will be high above your knees. It’s easier to go through the zipline. I’m behind you. You will be fine.”
I nodded. Since the other groups were still watching. We went first. I left my bag behind. Put on the harness. Mathieu helped me to tie the steel to the pulley, and the alum to the safety line. I went straight without hesitation. I kept telling myself, pull harder, faster, breathe. The line got a little tighter in the last section and I used more strength to cross myself over. Then step by step, released the alum first, then steel. I grabbed the rope, and let Mathieu take the harness back to transport our bags.
Pulling over two bags was much more challenging than pulling myself over. I pulled the bags closer to my side of the shore, but had no way to release them with the steep rocky edge. A guy came to help out but we failed even with two people’s strengths. So we had to send the bags back, and then crossed them one by one. Finally Mathieu crossed too. We waited to help the next group and set off to continue the trail.
It was a steep uphill after, feeling like the hike just started, while it had already been after 11am. I walked ahead of Mathieu. Didn’t know what to say. After a good amount of uphill, I turned back, finding him sit on a rock half way. He told me he needed a break and I could go first. I said ok, and went straight by myself. That’s where we parted.
Solo again, the bright part
I walked faster uphill, with my usual rhythm. “I’m alone now. Look the mountains and the lake and how high up I am!” I said quietly in my mind. I loved this, I loved being alone with the mountain. The solo trip started. I was relieved, and I hope he was too. We were just strangers, walked together for a while, shared stories, then went apart.
I walked and walked across the gravel grounds without realizing I was already standing on top of the glaciers. The surface of the glacier was black covered with dirt,but got cleaner as you walked further in. I met a few other groups. We took each other’s photos, and followed each other’s ways to walk up onto a new pass. It was a long pass, but beautiful enough, with snow mountain view far away while green lush ground that was soft. When you stepped on it, it felt like sponges squeezing water.
I met this German couple walking in front of me and just followed them along the way. The sun was bright and warm. I didn’t remember how long we walked until we got to a pleatau, no more uphills. We moved a few more steps forward. Revealed ahead was this glacier flat without limits. It was too big and I think it was Chile on the other side. We were in awe and the German girl screamed and jumped and laughed. I joined her. We laughed loud, as if the glacier could absorb it all.
“There is another technical expedition that you can do on this glacier!” The German girl told me.
“Oh?”
“We found it on a book, but you need a guide probably. At least to learn how to shove yourself a hole as your night camp.”
“Next time!”
“We don’t know we would ever do it. Maybe.”
I already decided to do it one day. Even though I was scared – not of how technical it could be, but how cold and windy it could be. For now, I just wanted to enjoy this view. Let other ideas and thoughts to be considered tomorrow!
I turned back. There was a guy sitting on the hill behind watching us. Or maybe watching the glacier. Oh I remembered him. The guy who passed me earlier with a light backpack, which I commented looking like a pro. He had smiled that he was not a pro or trail runner, just very good at packing. I looked at him again and realized I had been at this spot for too long. I needed to move as it got cold. So I hurried my way down the mountains towards the camp.
Camp dinner with new friends
The camp was upon the river. There were already people arrived when I got there. I walked to the end to grab the last spot. While I was setting up my tent. I heard a guy laughing loud.
“Look! I found the best campground. It is under the water!”
I looked up. There indeed people came behind me. He dressed up no like others. More like a teddy bear with bright color, cozy, reminded me of the guys you usually met at coffee shops in Brooklyn. He was tall and round, exactly looking like a teddy bear.
“Really? Hahaha I almost chose that spot.” I replied.
I watched him walked to the other side of the river and camped there.
Now everyone seem has their camp set up. I decided to make the dinner before the sunset. The guy of the German couple walked towards my direction and used a rope to wrap a big rock. I watched him and was curious what he was doing. Then I realized the pro was here, looking at him.
“What is that?” I gave the pro a grin.
“I don’t know either” Then he went to the guy, they chatted, and he turned back to me.
“To train wrist strength for rock climbing.”
“Ohhhh.” I was surprised people still had so much energy right after a tough day hike to train wrist strength. But that was cool. They were exactly the people I wanted to meet.
“Where are you from?” I asked the pro.
“Germany.” Then I realized how many people were from Germany on this trail. He told me his name, which I completely forgot once he told me.
He was standing in front of me, telling me he was going to Peru afterwards. Doing this trail in Huaraz and that trail in Cusco. As I listened and made my brain run faster to come up 100 follow-up questions to hold the conversation, all the pastas in my hand slipped to one side of the bag, and onto the ground. I looked at the pasta, and at him, so shocked and embarrassed but still forced a smile and casually picked up the pasta one by one pretending nothing had happened. The pro looked down to the pasta, smiled and showed me his itinerary on his phone screen.
As we were talking, the teddy bear yelled at us across the river, at the pro to be precise.
“Come for dinner?”
“Yes!” Pro answered.
“You can join us to make dinner if you want. That is my friend.”
Yes I would be more than happy to join, I thought. “Yes I’m coming!”
Okay. I had new friends now. The cool guys, nice and easy to talk to. That was how I met Finn and Jan.